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I was talking to my good friend Jan today, and was reminded of why I rarely read fanfics anymore. Thinking about it a bit more, I managed to come up with some basic Laws which I think apply to fanfiction as a genre. Without further ado, here they are:

Katsushiro’s Laws of Fanfiction
• 1st Law of Slash/Non-Slash Equilibrium: The amount of Final Fantasy 7 Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi slashfics is always equal to at least two times the amount of all other fanfics, combined.
• Law of Enmity to Anal Penetration Proportion: The amount of hatred between two male characters in a series is directly proportional to the amount of yaoi slashfics written where these same two characters will buttfuck each other.
• 1st Law of Author Superiority: Whenever the author of a fanfic includes him or herself as a character in the story, he or she will inevitably be smarter, faster, stronger, and cuter than any of the other characters, all of whom want to have sex with the author.
• 2nd Law of Author Superiority: Each fanfic author will always consider his or her version of same-sex love between two or more main characters to be the definitive version of the story, and will deride all other attempts to convey the same story by other authors. (You can imagine this leads to some very tiring dicussions re: the sheer amount of Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi slash)