Oh, Eurovision: Vampires are alive
Found this over on Dethroner, and while I could make snarky comments of my own, I think I’ll just quote the stuff from that site, as it’s lovely:
Eurovision is a yearly song contest, sort of a proto-American Idol, which has mutated into some strange generator of discordant, embarrassing pop gems. (See: Lordi.)
Switzerland’s entry for 2007 is this amazing travesty called “Vampires Are Alive,” at its lyrical crux completely missing that vampires, by defintion, are not alive, and then spinning out from there in a shower of blood and synchronized dance.
Sample lyric: “I am a vampire. I’m a slave./I sleep through the daylight, hence my grave.” These guys make Celine Dion look like Celine Dio. Don’t watch at work unless your co-workers irony shields are way, way up. You might never live it down.
March 4th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
*looks up from grim bloody task at hand, waves*
Hi, folks. I’m Great Lord Absu. By day, I work at a national park in a Caribbean island that shall remain nameless… but by night?
*turns attention back to writhing screaming humanoid wreckage pinned underneath, raises hammer-wielding hand, and brings it down violently on a long wooden pole*
By night, I dedicate the entirety of my energy, my conviction, and my moral fiber to exterminating the vile and parasitic entities that skitter in the velvet shadows, and seduce the innocent, and rule the dark veil of Scandinavian pop-dancedom.
*raises hammer, brings it down*
By night…
*raises hammer, brings it down*
…I’m a Swiss DJ Slayer.
*raises hammer, brings it down*
As soon as the time elapsed marker read 00:15, I knew I was in serious trouble, yet I knew it was of utmost importance to continue, unfazed.
*raises hammer, brings it down*
In my defense, work at my day job had been brutal that day, so my reflexes were shot beyond immediate repair. Moreover, for some bizarre reason, the music video started at the 00:08 mark, as opposed to the standard 00:00, so I reckoned — with uncanny accuracy — that I wasn’t entirely fucked up yet. I knew I could bring this leech down, and bring it down I have.
*finishes staking DJ Bobo through the heart*
So wrong, Katsu… so wrong. Shame on DJ Bobo for creating this, but more shame on you for having posted about it, thereby bringing it — thrashing, lashing, wailing, and screaming — out of obscurity and with absolute immediacy into my life.
Did you not know that this would inevitably end in nothing but carnage?
*unsheathes impressively sharp kukhri knife*
Do you not know the wretchedness about me as I do that which I know in the core of my being is the only just thing to do to these abominations?
*beheads Bobo’s remains with one swift and much-practiced stroke*
My work here is done.
March 4th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
And to think that the shrivelling sack of guts and gristle emptying its putrid gore at my feet became a United Nations World Food Programme National Ambassador Against Hunger in October 2006…
If only I could’ve gotten to him before the blackened magicks of the pop-dancedom befouled him…
In nomine Divinus Aequitas, et Coitus Fervens, et Phasmatis of Extremus Nex Metal… amen.