If only I could’ve gotten to him before the blackened magicks of the pop-dancedom befouled him…

In nomine Divinus Aequitas, et Coitus Fervens, et Phasmatis of Extremus Nex Metal… amen.

Hi, folks. I’m Great Lord Absu. By day, I work at a national park in a Caribbean island that shall remain nameless… but by night?

*turns attention back to writhing screaming humanoid wreckage pinned underneath, raises hammer-wielding hand, and brings it down violently on a long wooden pole*

By night, I dedicate the entirety of my energy, my conviction, and my moral fiber to exterminating the vile and parasitic entities that skitter in the velvet shadows, and seduce the innocent, and rule the dark veil of Scandinavian pop-dancedom.

*raises hammer, brings it down*

By night…

*raises hammer, brings it down*

…I’m a Swiss DJ Slayer.

*raises hammer, brings it down*

As soon as the time elapsed marker read 00:15, I knew I was in serious trouble, yet I knew it was of utmost importance to continue, unfazed.

*raises hammer, brings it down*

In my defense, work at my day job had been brutal that day, so my reflexes were shot beyond immediate repair. Moreover, for some bizarre reason, the music video started at the 00:08 mark, as opposed to the standard 00:00, so I reckoned — with uncanny accuracy — that I wasn’t entirely fucked up yet. I knew I could bring this leech down, and bring it down I have.

*finishes staking DJ Bobo through the heart*

So wrong, Katsu… so wrong. Shame on DJ Bobo for creating this, but more shame on you for having posted about it, thereby bringing it — thrashing, lashing, wailing, and screaming — out of obscurity and with absolute immediacy into my life.

Did you not know that this would inevitably end in nothing but carnage?

*unsheathes impressively sharp kukhri knife*

Do you not know the wretchedness about me as I do that which I know in the core of my being is the only just thing to do to these abominations?

*beheads Bobo’s remains with one swift and much-practiced stroke*

My work here is done.